rustycornbeef:

anthonybergen:

I love Tumblr.  I really do.  It’s addicting, it’s fun, it’s easy-to-use, and it’s a great forum for my bullshit, as well as yours.  I like the freedom on Tumblr to post what you want, when you want, and the relatively low number of people who complain when you post something that they find offensive.

But, I have some complaints.  And, Tumbleros, I’m not one to hold my tongue for long.  These complaints aren’t about anyone in particular, but if you think it’s about you, it’s probably about you.  So, let’s get started…

•The “I’m so sad/heartbroken/want to cut myself/can’t get over the guy or girl I’m dealing with/why is there no light at the end of the tunnel?” posters

You know what would make these people less aggravating?  If they didn’t first post about how they want out of their relationship, then post how devastated they are after getting out of their relationship, and THEN post about how happy they are to be back in the relationship — all in a 48-hour timeframe.  Don’t make definitive comments about relationship issues until you’ve reached a definitive conclusion within yourself about what you want to do.  Also, if you’re under 18 years old, shut the fuck up.  Here’s an idea from your old pal, Anthony:  CUT YOURSELVES.  Deeply.  With an knife dipped in AIDS and forged out of Hepatitis.  Also, shut the fuck up, just in case I didn’t mention that already.

•The girls (they are mostly girls) who frequently post little comments about how they are not wearing pants, or how they are naked because it feels better.

I can’t tell you how many posts I’ve seen where, as a throwaway, attention-getting line, someone will mention “I’m naked”.  Yeah, are you?  Well, most of you are underage, so have some fucking respect for yourself and stop whoring yourselves out on a blog site.  If you’re that hard up, close the computer and go meet someone who will down a couple shots and trick himself into fucking you.  You’re girls — even ugly girls can get fucked easily because fucking an ugly girl is always a great story for a guy to tell his friends later.  Are there some people on Tumblr that I would enjoy seeing naked?  Absolutely.  Would I respect them for baring it all on Tumblr?  Absolutely not.  I would find it sad.  Listen, ladies, we don’t care if you’re naked if you’re on the other side of a computer screen in a town hundreds or thousands of miles away.  And, really, most of us don’t even want to see your fat naked arms, let alone your fat naked ass.

•Those Twilight and Xzibit memes

Oh, you know what I’m talking about.  Those shitty things that are broken into frames with something “cute” or “funny” written in them.  Most of them involve the wizard vampire guy from Twilight smelling something strange, or Xzibit saying, “Yo dawg”.  How about not posting those anymore?  They were unoriginal six months ago.  They may have been funny the first few times to people with the sense of humor of a Down Syndrome patient, but if you’re over 13 years old and not a waterhead, you shouldn’t laugh at them.  I’m not even judging Twilight.  It’s not my thing…I wouldn’t read the books or watch the movies…but it has an audience and you can’t knock that.  No, I’m bashing those of you who are not only beating a dead horse, but waited until the horse was buried, exhumed it, beat it some more, dragged it behind a truck for six miles, and then sucked it’s dirty dead horse cock.  I don’t know what else to say about that except you’re all assholes — and unfunny assholes, at that.

•Inspirational, uplifting quotes

Here’s an inspirational quote from me, for you, embellished with assistance from Roget’s Thesaurus:  Most of those typical, lyrical, whimsical, rhythmical, inspirational, motivational, educational, influential, emotional, spiritual, allegorical, metaphorical, autobiographical confessionals that pop up constantly are usually impersonal, unexceptional, inconsequential, superficial, artificial, dismal, abysmal, hysterical, often nonsensical, farcical and met with immediate methodical and satirical, comical, diabolical, unconditional, intentional dismissal and disapproval.  I call for the removal and disposal of this drivel.  Now.

•Oh hey, everyone loves Bob Dylan!

I don’t.  He’s overrated, he can’t sing, and he’s built a mystique only because you people are stupid enough to buy into it.  I can’t deny his success, but his talent?  I can deny that.

•Teenagers

I’m not really all that bothered by teenagers using Tumblr.  It’s a cool thing for them to do, and if it gets people writing, by all means, please write.  Plus, there are some very talented teen artists on here, and I’m constantly impressed by them.  I’m also constantly depressed by the other half of teens.  The ones who post everything that is personally going on in their lives, playing out the high school dramas on dashboards for everyone to see.  Stop.  You’re going to look back and feel like a douche if you don’t stop now.  I’m trying to help you.  Also, don’t fight with your friends who have Tumblrs because that takes away the legitimate interest we might have in talented teen Tumblrs as we tend to lump you all together because you are, you know, CHILDREN.

•Photographers

I’m shocked at how many professional photographers there are on Tumblr.  Oh wait…did I say professional, I meant “professional”.  And that was meant to be said in a sarcastic tone.  Just because you take pictures doesn’t make you a professional photographer.  Just because you’re going to school for photography doesn’t mean you are a professional photographer.  I had a black friend who took five years of college Spanish courses…guess what?  He wasn’t Spanish afterwards.  To be sure, there are some very talented photographers on Tumblr who get paid money to photograph things.  Those are professionals.  The rest of you take pictures.  Plus, it’s a bit disconcerting that we’re going to have a bunch of people in the future who can take pictures of what’s going on, yet I haven’t run into many political science students or business majors on Tumblr.  Ummm…who’s gonna run things while you kids are out taking photos of grass and water?

•Formspring

If I wanted to ask you a question, I wouldn’t do it anonymously through another website.  Has anybody received an interesting question through Formspring?  Because all of the questions that people post answers to usually include “Can I hit that?”.  Formspring is a way for people to seek more attention and not have to face the person giving said attention because both people are insecure, even over the Internet.  I like a lot of you guys, but none of you are interesting enough for me to disguise a question to you anonymously and cross my fingers that you’ll answer it.  I’m sure your parents love you, but we don’t give a shit what ou ate for breakfast.

•“I’m going to bed” posts

Is this necessary?  Can’t we just assume that there will be a time period where you must sleep (normally at night) and not need an announcement, or worse yet, a picture of you in bed (probably naked, of course, because you’re CRAZY and have to be nude)?  YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT.  Tumblr will survive without this reassurance.  The next time someone posts that they are going to sleep, I pray that they’ll become the first victim of an adult form of SIDS.

•Shark Week

Yes, sharks are cool.  But, really, they aren’t THAT cool.  This trend needs to die, and you all need to stop being sheep who agree with what other people say.  No wonder they call you “Followers”.

Believe me, kids, I could go on, but I think I’ll save it for a Part II.  Remember, I do love Tumblr and my Tumbleros, young and old.  Just stop being so ridiculously pathetic and predictable.  And if you have a gimmick, knock that shit off because you’re making everyone uncomfortable.

reblogged for truth.

Ditto.